The air I breathe

There are often qualities in people in your circle of close friends that you are not really comfortable with. Initially, you may employ ignorance. Pretend it is not important in any way. Pretend it will be something that only surface once in a blue moon. With time, you realize this is not something that just happens occasionally, and there you go - annoyance. With the increasing amount of annoyance, and the refusal to hurt the other party by telling them that you are not comfortable with some of their traits, perhaps, wanting to hold on to that bridge, refusing to give up because you don't want to lose that person, you get frustration.

Time goes by. Day after day. You are still frustrated, but you notice that those seemingly irritating traits that used to annoy you so much annoys you less these days. You are used to it. You expect it. You see it coming. You are ready to tackle it when it's there. After some time, you realize that there's no use being so frustrated about something you cannot change about another person, that you just have to love them for who they are. This is where you get acceptance.

I have not blogged about you in depth. I never thought I could. I'm not a person who is good with words. Maybe in tweaking sentences to obtain a certain impact that I want it to have, but not with words. You on the other hand, have the ability to just speak what's on your mind without caring about the consequences (good or bad). Skipping to the chase, I am illogically drawn to you. Like how a snail would (in a strange and crazy situation) be drawn to salt.

There are times when you say things and you do things that make me so frustrated and angry but I just cannot describe what I really want to say to you at those moments. Instead, I lash out, curse, push you away, irk you, aggravate you until there's 2 angry persons instead of just 1. I hate the way you seemingly have the ability to crush me just with words alone. I hate the way you brush small matters away and diss things that seem unimportant to you. It's always the small matters, the unimportant things that matters the most. Most of all, I hate that everything I do (or don't) or say (or don't) is under maximum scrutiny. You judge, you analyze, all to feed that insane need to categorize people so that you may one day exploit their characteristics to your own agenda.

You say stop finding fault. I don't know how I am supposed to do so. How can I ignore facts that I know are true, and even you say are true? How can one just brush things like this aside when it truly matters to them? How can anyone even DARE to be careless when they are around you? Every word, uttered or not. Every action, done or not. There's barely space to breathe. There's barely room for freedom of thought, of speech, of actions. There can only be freedom in things that you agree to. What about things that you don't? What about things that I don't?

It's tough to go on each day just waiting for the first negative response I get from you. I say "hey, look it's a t-rex going down that road!" You reply, "lame, boring. Dinosaurs do not exist." hypothetically of course. You call me weak, pathetic, just because I went online. You say I'm lame, boring, an idiot, stupid, easily amused. Yes, these titles may be true. In fact, they are most likely true. But no one likes to hear it daily. No one likes to be degraded, much less by the person they care about the most (next to themselves) in the world.

Enough about the bad attributes because despite all of that, I still crave for your approval. To find something, anything that you will not reply with "lame" or "boring" to. Also despite all of that, seeing you smile just makes my day. In fact, just being with you is already more solace than I can find anywhere else. But yet, the snail and the salt. I do wonder if this will kill me some day. Whether I am truly, just an idiot, being drawn to my own destruction by getting closer to you with each passing day. Putting so much of myself in the hands of a ruthless person who will more likely crush me than cherish me.

I admit, with each passing day, I become more distant. I am losing myself. I watch every word I speak, calculate everything I do. And the moment I don't, I screw up. You know what, even when I do, I still screw up. But regardless of everything, when I sit down and ask myself "is it worth it?" the answer never changes. The answer never changed.

Yes, you are worth all the side-stepping and the maddening scheming. You are worth all those horrible feelings of something eating away at your soul.You are worth another 100 years if time allows.

You know how some things just seem wrong no matter how you analyze it but at the same time, you heart keeps telling you "this is it. here, now. Here."? If I were not an idiot, I would've just stayed away. But now that we've decided to make it work, let's at least make it work for another 100 years.

With almost (because my memory is fail) everything said and done, there's still not a single flicker of doubt that crosses my mind when I say that I love you. In fact, I'll say it again.

I love you Ikhwan Tharwan.
Although you just drive me up the wall sometimes.


tyoriginal