Another day, another heartbreak. Regretfully, I screwed up. Yet again. I am an idiot when it comes to dealing with people on a personal level. And I'm sorry, I won't do it again. But was it really that serious until you had to say the things you said? Bring up the past. Point out the flaws. Doubt my sincerity. With every sentence spoken, I swear I died a little more inside.
And I was on the road to recovery, thinking it's all going to be alright. It's all going to be alright. When you tell me you're leaving tomorrow. TOMORROW! And then you had to ask "are you okay?". I don't know. Am I? I don't know what am I if I'm not OK. But to tell you the truth, I really don't know what am I. You're leaving. You're just going to announce that and expect me to wave and smile and say "have fun in the island of sunshine and sandy beaches love! With a female friend too! Whom you'll be bunking with!"
To be honest I really want to do that. I really want to see you happy doing what you think is right. What you feel like doing. You've given your reasons, it's a favor owed, now it's time to return it. But deep down inside there's a consistent voice that says "stay. don't go. how am I going to get through another 21 days and counting without seeing you?" But of course that would be selfish. Inconsiderate. It's your life. You do what you want to do. Right?
I swallowed the words. Wiped off the tears and mustered up enough bravado to say "have fun." Another word, and I'd be a puddle. And yet you keep asking "are you okay?" How am I supposed to say No, I'm not. I don't want you to go and have fun. I want you to stay at home, so that I can have it easier for the next 3 weeks? Worry about it when the time comes. Who knows if there is connection after all. The point is, why would you go before making sure? Did it never even cross your mind?
I don't understand how a damn relationship works. If it's going hurt whenever the other person does something that doesn't involve you in the equation, why bother with a relationship? Why demand that level of attachment when you refuse to do the same? Why expect so much when you don't set the standard by your own words and actions? I'm trying. Simple words. Easy to say. Anyone can try. I can try to stand. Am I standing? No. But I'm trying. What good is trying if there is no difference in the grand conclusion of things? Another day, another heartbreak.
After so long, there's one distinct feeling whenever the heart wrenching begins. I'm living by a thread. Hanging on, just waiting for something that I screw up terrible enough that you would cut it and send me tumbling into oblivion. And then you say, "do you know that I love you very, very much?" Do I? You do say so. I believe so. But why does it hurt so badly?
These words are just tumbling out. It probably doesn't even make sense to you. Do you really want to know every thought that I have? Every emotion that I feel when it comes to you? Do you really? Maybe. But if you knew half of it, you wouldn't. It hasn't been easy for me. I feel as though I keep trying and trying but yet still can't get anything done right. You keep telling me this is wrong, that is wrong, you should not do this/that and every single damn time I brace myself for the eventual "you know what? This just isn't going to work out. You're not ready."
How do I even begin to convince you that ALL THESE FUCKING FEELINGS ARE BOILING OVER AND ABOUT TO IMPLODE? HOW? Because you don't want to believe so. You may say that you do, but after so long. After all that's been said and done. You're still not convinced.
I don't know how it got from me screwing up to you doubting. But this I know for sure, it hurts. But yet I still don't want to lose you. Who has stockholm syndrome now?
An idiot.
And I was on the road to recovery, thinking it's all going to be alright. It's all going to be alright. When you tell me you're leaving tomorrow. TOMORROW! And then you had to ask "are you okay?". I don't know. Am I? I don't know what am I if I'm not OK. But to tell you the truth, I really don't know what am I. You're leaving. You're just going to announce that and expect me to wave and smile and say "have fun in the island of sunshine and sandy beaches love! With a female friend too! Whom you'll be bunking with!"
To be honest I really want to do that. I really want to see you happy doing what you think is right. What you feel like doing. You've given your reasons, it's a favor owed, now it's time to return it. But deep down inside there's a consistent voice that says "stay. don't go. how am I going to get through another 21 days and counting without seeing you?" But of course that would be selfish. Inconsiderate. It's your life. You do what you want to do. Right?
I swallowed the words. Wiped off the tears and mustered up enough bravado to say "have fun." Another word, and I'd be a puddle. And yet you keep asking "are you okay?" How am I supposed to say No, I'm not. I don't want you to go and have fun. I want you to stay at home, so that I can have it easier for the next 3 weeks? Worry about it when the time comes. Who knows if there is connection after all. The point is, why would you go before making sure? Did it never even cross your mind?
I don't understand how a damn relationship works. If it's going hurt whenever the other person does something that doesn't involve you in the equation, why bother with a relationship? Why demand that level of attachment when you refuse to do the same? Why expect so much when you don't set the standard by your own words and actions? I'm trying. Simple words. Easy to say. Anyone can try. I can try to stand. Am I standing? No. But I'm trying. What good is trying if there is no difference in the grand conclusion of things? Another day, another heartbreak.
After so long, there's one distinct feeling whenever the heart wrenching begins. I'm living by a thread. Hanging on, just waiting for something that I screw up terrible enough that you would cut it and send me tumbling into oblivion. And then you say, "do you know that I love you very, very much?" Do I? You do say so. I believe so. But why does it hurt so badly?
These words are just tumbling out. It probably doesn't even make sense to you. Do you really want to know every thought that I have? Every emotion that I feel when it comes to you? Do you really? Maybe. But if you knew half of it, you wouldn't. It hasn't been easy for me. I feel as though I keep trying and trying but yet still can't get anything done right. You keep telling me this is wrong, that is wrong, you should not do this/that and every single damn time I brace myself for the eventual "you know what? This just isn't going to work out. You're not ready."
How do I even begin to convince you that ALL THESE FUCKING FEELINGS ARE BOILING OVER AND ABOUT TO IMPLODE? HOW? Because you don't want to believe so. You may say that you do, but after so long. After all that's been said and done. You're still not convinced.
I don't know how it got from me screwing up to you doubting. But this I know for sure, it hurts. But yet I still don't want to lose you. Who has stockholm syndrome now?
An idiot.
